I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
