Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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