i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
