i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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