Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
