Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
