You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
