I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
