How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
is wine microwaveable?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
