he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
