After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up under a house in Key West
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
