I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
