the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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