Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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