I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You are a genius and a whore.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
