my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
