My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
