I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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