omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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