i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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