Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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