Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
