I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
not ubering you a puppy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
