I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And then he peed in my hair
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