Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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