I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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