wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
