My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
