i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
