Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
