I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
