Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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