i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
