My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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