I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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