dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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