She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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