I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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