I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
