I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
