My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
