Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
