no, he came in my armpit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
