And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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