i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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