Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
MIDGETS
????
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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