I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
