I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
