were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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