JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
