she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He kissed a someone with a penis
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
