The maid of honor just puked.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
