man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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