i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have aggressive nipples.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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