If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
