If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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