I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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