I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
