Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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