Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
