Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
These tits shall not be calmed
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