Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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