toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
