his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
