you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
is wine microwaveable?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
