I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
