Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
