planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
